Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
