I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Damn victory sex feels great
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
