Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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