By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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