I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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