i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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