I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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