Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
