God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
