When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
