i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
