Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
