i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
