just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
