A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
