how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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