it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
