Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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