Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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