You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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