i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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