Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
