Nicole vs. Life
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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