he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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