I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
