K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
