The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
