i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
