I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
