My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize