I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
