I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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