I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
