I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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