Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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