You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
