Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
