Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
