eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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