i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
