ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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