Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
