WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
