the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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