Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
