dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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