The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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