I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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