it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
