i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
