dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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