tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
