I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
